What an amazing journey!

This is the "soundtrack to my life".
There is a lot of honesty about my past.
If you begin reading this, please read it all.
Thank you so very much.
And alot of the songs are really incredible songs.
You might want to listen to them sometime. :)

***Part One - My Birth***

I was my father’s first true love.
His baby girl, with white-blonde hair and crystal blue eyes.
My first song on my life’s soundtrack is:
Sweet Child O’ Mine by Guns N Roses

She’s got a smile that it seems to me

Reminds me of childhood memories

Where everything

Was as fresh as the bright blue sky

Now and then when I see her face

She takes me away to that

special place

And if I stared too long

I’d probably break down and cry

Sweet child o’ mine

Sweet love of mine

She’s got eyes of the bluest skies

As if they thought of rain

I hate to look into those eyes

And see an ounce of pain

Her hair reminds me

of a warm safe place

Where as a child I’d hide

And pray for the thunder

And the rain

To quietly pass me by

Sweet child o’ mine

Sweet love of mine

Where do we go

Where do we go now

Where do we go

Sweet child o’ mine

***Part Two - Parent's Divorce***

I was 2 when my parent’s divorced. My mother got custody of me, and though I am glad I am who I am today, I still have the fleeting thought,”would I have been better off with Dad?”

My Dad and I didn’t see each other again until I was about 10-years-old, but this song makes me think of the devotion and dreams he had for me all along.

Wild Horses by Rolling Stones

Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady you know who I am
You know I cant let you slide through my hands

Wild horses couldnt drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldnt drag me away

I watched you suffer a dull aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or offstage lines
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind

Wild horses couldnt drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldnt drag me away

I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie
I have my freedom but I dont have much time
Faith has been broken, tears must be cried
Lets do some living after we die

Wild horses couldnt drag me away
Wild, wild horses, well ride them some day

Wild horses couldnt drag me away
Wild, wild horses, well ride them some day

***Part Three - Early Lessons In Sadness***

I recall my childhood as me being a free-spirit but tied down by innate strictness that ultimately caused more rebellion that was “normal” – or at least as I perceive it. There was also scattered bouts of abuse from my early childhood years straight until I was 17 and moved away from my mother. But through it all I kept a light heart, and brilliant dreams.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
There’s a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true

Some day I’ll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemondrops
Away above the chimney tops
That’s where you’ll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can’t I?
Some day I’ll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemondrops
Away above the chimney tops
That’s where you’ll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can’t I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can’t I?

***Part Four - Adolescence***

In my early to mid teens I was quite the hellion. I rebelled against anything and everything that I took as “authority”. I became “goth”, “freak”, “punk” and resisted most everything that I was taught. I never actually got pregnant as a teen, but there were a few times I was terrified that I was. I lost my virginity far too young, and was not on a straight path. I couldn’t stand my mother for a large part of my adolescent years.

When I Grow Up by Garbage

Cut my tongue out
I’ve been caught out
Like a giant juggernaut
Happy hours
Golden showers
On a cruise to freak you out

We could fly a helicopter
Nothing left to talk about
Entertain you
Celebrate you
I’ll be back to frame you

Chorus:
When I grow up
I’ll be stable
When I grow up
I’ll turn the tables

Trying hard to fit among you
Floating out to wonderland
Unprotected
God I’m pregnant
Damn the consequences

Chorus

Blood and blisters
On my fingers
Chaos rules when we’re apart
Watch my temper
I go mental
I’ll try to be gentle

Chorus

When I grow up
When I grow up
When I grow up
I’ll turn the tables

Bridge:
Don’t take offense
Better make amends
Rip it all to shreds and let it go X2

I’ll rip it up to shreds and let it go
I’ll rip it up to shreds and let it go
I’ll rip it up to shreds and let it go

***Part Five - Freshman***

My Freshman year in high school I met my best friend, Natasha. She is still one of my very best friends, to this day! The picture is of us, freshman year. 10 looong years ago. :) We kinda have a song between us. Befittingly:

The Freshman by The Verve Pipe

When I was young I knew everything
She a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I’m guilt stricken, sobbing with my head on the floor
Stop a baby’s breath and a shoe full of rice

I can’t be held responsible
‘Cause she was touching her face
I won’t be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we’d never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we’d ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

My best friend took a week’s vacation to forget her
His girl took a week’s worth of valium and slept
Now he’s guilt stricken sobbing with his head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really wept he says

I can’t be held responsible
‘Cause she was touching her face
I won’t be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we’d never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we’d ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

We’ve tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we’re guilt stricken sobbing with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, we’d say

I can’t be held responsible
‘Cause she was touching her face
I won’t be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we’d never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we’d ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we’d never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we’d ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen
We were merely freshmen
We were only freshmen

***Part Six - First Love***

My first real love. Matt Sample. Haha. It was one of those “forbidden love” type things. He was a Mormon and I was.. well…. weird. His mom didn’t really like me. Okay, she border-line hated me. Oh well. I will always hold a special little part in my heart for him. This was “our song”. He played it as we kissed into the new year. Awww. :)

The Mountains Win Again by Blues Traveler

I pick up my smile put it in my pocket
Hold it for a while
try not to have to drop it
Men are not to cry so how am I
to stop it
Keep it all inside don’t show how much she
rocked ya

Ooh can you feel the same
Ooh you
gotta love the pain
Ooh it looks like rain again
Ooh I
feel it comin’ in
The mountains win again
The
mountains win again

Dreams we dreamed at night were
never meant to come to life
I can’t understand the
ease she pulled away her hand
This time in my life I was
hurt enough to care
I guess from now on I’ll be
careful what I share

Ooh can you feel the same
Ooh ya gotta love the pain
Ooh it looks like rain
again
Yeah feel it comin’ in
The mountains win
again

A pocket is no place for a smile anyway
Someday I will find love again will blow my mind
Maybe it
will be that love that got away from me
Is there a line to
write that could make you cry tonight
Can you feel the
same
Yeah ya gotta love the pain
Ooh it looks like
rain again
Ooh feel it comin’ in
The mountains
win again
Ooh the mountains win again

***Part Seven - Moving Far Away***

At the end of my sophomore year my mom decided to move, yet again (we moved quite often growing up), this time to Elgin. Not too far from where I grew up, but far enough that it saddened me quite a bit. After one semester at Elgin High, we moved to Oklahoma City. One semester at Putnam City North (where James Marsden went to school), and we were on the move again. This time to Florida. I started my last year in high school in a new state, away from all of the friends I had made over the years. I was very depressed and did more poorly than ever.

How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking
Every breath with you
You’re the only one
Who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
‘Cause we’ve shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You’re the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
‘Cause there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
So take a look at me now
‘Cause there’s just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that’s what I’ve got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There’s so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You’re the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
‘Cause there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
So Take a look at me now
So there’s just an empty space
But to wait for you is
All I can do
When that’s what I’ve got to face
Take a good look at me now
‘Cause l’ll still be standing here (standing here)
And you coming back to me is against all odds
That’s the chance I’ve got to take
Yeahh
Take A look at me now
(Take A Look at me now)

***Part Eight - Senior Year***

My senior year was okay. I was part of the marching band that took second in state in Florida. I played soccer. But life was bland. I didn’t make any lasting friends. This was our “senior song”, though I graduated a few months early in February rather than May.

Good Riddance by Green Day

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don’t ask why
It’s not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it’s worth it was worth all the while

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

***Part Nine - Not Sure Where I Was Going***

But I was having fun on the way.

I tried several things. I joined the Army, but got a “general under honorable conditions” discharge for “inability to adapt”. Oh. I tried moving back home, to no avail whatsoever. So I did what anybody in my situation would do. I moved to New Jersey to live with my Daddy. Things went great for a year. I made a ton of new friends, many of which I am still friends with today. I worked full time and played when I wasn’t working. I loved my time in Jersey!

Jimi Thing by Dave Matthews

Lately I’ve been feeling low
A remedy is what I’m seeking
I take a taste of what’s below
Come away to something better
What I want is what I’ve not got
And what I need
Is all around me
Reaching searching never stop
And I’ll say…

If you could keep me floating
Just for a while
Till I get to the end of this tunnel Mommy
If you could keep me floating
Just for a while
I’ll get back to you

Sometimes a Jimi Thing slides my way and keeps me swinging
I’d like to show you what’s inside
And I shouldn’t care
If you don’t like it
Brother chaos rule all about
Sometimes I walk there
Well yes God knows sometimes I take a bus there
Shouldn’t care shouldn’t care
Bereaved as I’m feeling

The day is gone
I’m on my back
Staring up at the ceiling
U take a drink sit back relax
Smoke my mind make me feel
Better for a small time
What I want is what I’ve not got
And what I need Is all around me
Reaching searching never stop
And I’ll say…

If you could keep me floating
Just for a while
Till I get to the end of this tunnel Mommy
If you could keep me floating
Just for a while
I’ll get back to you

***Part Ten - Back Where I Belong(ed)***

I got into a fight with my step-mom. A physical one. Well, kinda. I kicked at her while I was laying down on my bed trying to get her to stop yelling at me. My Dad had had enough of everything I learned from my mother – so I was given a bus ticket. I went to Oklahoma for about 6 weeks. It was great while I was there. I saw friends I hadn’t seen in about 3 years and just had a blast. No worries, no responsibilities. I went wild.

Crush (yes another DMB song) Dave Matthews Band

Crazy, how it, feels tonight.
Crazy, how you, make it all alright love.
You crush me, with the, things you do,
I do, for you, anything too oh.
Sitting, smoking, feeling high.
And in this, moment, ah, it feels so right.

Lovely lady, I am at your feet, oh, God I want you so badly.
And I wonder this could tomorrow be so wondrous as you there sleeping.

Lets go, drive til, the morning comes.
And watch the, sunrise, and fill our souls up.
Well drink some, wine til, we get drunk, yes…

Its crazy, Im thinking, just knowing that the world is round.
Im here Im dancing on the ground.
Am I right side up or upside down, and is this real, or am I dreaming?

Lovely lady, let me drink you, please, I wont spill a, drop no, I promise you.
Lying under this spell you cast on me.
Each moment the more, i, love, you. crush me, come on. oh, yes.

Its crazy Im thinking, just knowing that the world is round.
Im here Im dancing on the ground.
Am I right side up or upside down?
Is this real, oh lord, or am I dreaming?

Lovely lady, I will treat you sweetly, adore you, I mean, you crush me.
Oh its times like these when my faith I feel.
I know, how, i, love, you. come on, come on, baby.

Its crazy, Im thinking just as long as youre around.
Im here Ill be dancing on the ground.
Am I right side up or upside down?
To each other, well be facing.
My love, my love, well beat back the pain weve found.
You know, I mean to tell you all the things Ive been thinking, deep inside my
Friend.
With each moment the more I love you. crush me, come on, baby.

So much you have, given love, that I would give you back again and again.
Oh, the love, many now hold you but please, please, just let me, always

***Part Eleven - Next***

I moved to Ohio where my Mom and Step-Dad and Sister and Step Brother and Half Brother were living. I tried living with them again, and even moved back to Florida with them when my mom decided it was time to go. After trying to put up with the constant criticism of my life going nowhere – I decided I needed to be on my own. My mom and I left on very bitter terms.

In the winding down hours
I let your heart down again
(What did I do to make a scene so gory?)
(I’m no better than the ones before me)
Old habits die hard
I always end up hating the end
(What did I do to make a scene so gory?)
(I’m no better than the ones before me)

I’m in the middle of a breakdown
Watching you scream
In the middle of a breakdown
Screaming at me
And by the way
By the way
What made you think you’d have it your way?
And by the way
By the way
Don’t say I didn’t warn you
That I’ll always stay the same

Speechless and frozen
Uncomfortable silence again
(What did I do to make a scene so gory?)
(I’m no better than the ones before me)
I’m in the middle of a breakdown
Watching you scream
In the middle of a breakdown
Screaming at me
And by the way
By the way
What made you think you’d have it your way?
And by the way
By the way
Don’t say I didn’t warn you
That I’ll always stay the same

Battered and bruised
Broken confused
It’s time we both knew
Can’t stop what I started
This time we both lose, lose
And by the way
By the way
What made you think you’d have it your way
And by the way
By the way
Don’t say I didn’t warn you
That I’ll always stay the same
The same, the same,
I’ll always stay the same
(battered and bruised)
The same, (broken confused), the same
I didn’t warn you that I’d always stay the same

***Part Twelve - Wins and Losses***

After my summer of working at the camp, I went off on my own, living where I could find a place. I found a few people to “adopt” me so I could live rent free. Eventually I met Adam, my son’s father. We had a very quick start to our relationship. We met at the very end of July, started dating August 11, moved in together at the beginning of October, and I got pregnant Christmas Eve. Our relationship was incredibly stormy and we never knew where each other stood. Though I should have, I had no trust in him, and I had a deep fear of being “abandoned”. This eventually drove us apart and we had a very difficult break up about the time Aiken was turning 1.

Tuesday’s Gone – Metallica

Train roll on, on down the line
Won’t you please take me far away
Now, i feel the wind blow outside my door
I’m leaving my woman at home
My baby’s gone with the wind
Tuesday’s gone with the wind
My baby’s gone with the wind
And i don’t know oh where I’m going
I just want to be left alone
When this train ends, i’ll try again
I’m leaving my woman at home
My baby’s gone with the wind
Tuesday’s gone with the wind
Tuesday’s gone with the wind
Tuesday’s gone with the wind
My baby’s gone with the wind
Train roll on, Tuesday’s gone
Train roll on, many miles from my home
See, i’m riding my blues away
Tuesday, you see, she had to be free
But somehow, I’ve got to carry on
Tuesday’s gone with the wind
Tuesday’s gone with the wind
Tuesday’s gone with the wind
My baby’s gone with the wind

***Part Thirteen - Freedom***

After Adam, I had a couple other relationships, one even quasi-serious.. But in the end I found I enjoyed being myself, by myself. I was happy and though I made some ultimately very reckless decisions, I found myself. It was all worth it. It all came at much less of a price then some people have paid to find themselves.

Summer Girl – Jessica Andrews

I drive an Army Jeep
My bumper sticker reads
‘Drink ‘til he’s cute’
That’s what I’m gonna do
Ain’t got no serious thing
Don’t wear a diamond ring
I got a new tattoo
I think you’ll like the view
And in my mind
The sun shines
All the time

Chorus:
(‘Cause) I’m just a summer girl
I wear my flip flops
When I let my hair down
(That’s when the party starts)
(The party never stops)
Who needs a boyfriend
I got my girl friends
When we get together
The summer never ends
Yeah yeah, oh oh oh
(I’m just a summer girl)
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

Tanks tops and cutoff jeans
Bikinis and belly rings
We’ll make that scene
When the DJ plays ‘Dancin’ Queen’
Fellas, lay your money down
We’ll let’ya buy a round
Don’t push your luck
Don’t get more than your hopes up
In my world
Day or night
Rain or shine

(Repeat Chorus)

Rap:
Everybody needs a little bit of sunshine
Everybody needs time to unwind
Everybody’s got to have a good time
(I’m just a summer girl)
Everybody get up on your feet
Everybody got to shake your body
Everybody got a right to be free
(I’m just a summer girl)
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

***Part Fourteen - Figuring It Out***

Not all of it, mind you. But I figured out a little bit more than I ever knew before. I learned to love myself first. I learned that my son is more important than anybody in the universe, including myself. I learned that forgiving your past and forgiving yourself is the only way to stop living your past over. I found that realizing your parents are human are an essential part of growing up. I found that true love really sneaks up on you. I found that if you accept yourself, and love yourself, then you are finally ready to love and accept another person, faults and all. I love my family. I got married to the man who helped to show me I am loveable without exception. Aiken, Eric (my husband), and I make a beautiful family. I could simply not be happier with where my life has taken me so far, because I am who I am today because of my life – good, bad, all of it. Thank you to everyone who stuck by my side in all these bad times and good times and the times in between. I love you all.

For Aiken
You’ve Got a Friend In Me – Randy Newman

You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
When the road looks rough ahead
And you’re miles and miles
From your nice warm bed
You just remember what your old pal said
Boy, you’ve got a friend in me
Yeah, you’ve got a friend in me

You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
If you’ve got troubles, I’ve got ‘em too
There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you
We stick together and can see it through
Cause you’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me

Some other folks might be
A little bit smarter than I am
Bigger and stronger too
Maybe
But none of them will ever love you
The way I do, it’s me and you

Boy, and as the years go by
Our friendship will never die
You’re gonna see it’s our destiny
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me

And for Myself. I still have a long way to go but I am on the right track. Way to go Somer!

Angels or Devils by Dishwalla

this is the last time
that I’m ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time – I will fall
into a place that fails us all – inside

I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
come around
I’m always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

this is the last time
that I’m ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear – to see

still I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down – come around
I’m always gonna worry about the things that could break us

if I was to give in – give it up
- and then
take a breath – make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one
that could make us cold
you know that they could make us cold
I’m always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

***Part Last - The End***

It will come someday, we all know that. No matter how much we fight it or fear it, it will come. Death. But when I die I don’t want to die with regrets for what I “could have done” with my life. I want to live up ever second of my life from hereon out.

The Dance – Garth Brooks

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared ‘neath the stars alone
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you’d ever say goodbye

And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn’t I a king
But if I’d only known how the king would fall
Hey who’s to say you know I might have chanced it all

And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I’d of had to miss the dance…

Amen.